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ExuberantStarchild

Intermittent hiatus from life
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Hey guys, it's me; Eve!

The last few months since Christmas have been the biggest for me, in terms of emotional and personal development. It feels crazy, how in November I was at the lowest points in my life, but now I feel...so much better. It sounds weird, and it feels a little bizarre, but I've felt parts of myself return that I'd buried or thought I'd lost forever. I legitimately laugh at stupid things, I enjoy the weirdest crap, and I have found the part of myself I'd missed the most, the fun part that believes in the goodness of people and the world.
Once again, I can wake up and enjoy liking dumb things and enjoy getting involved with fandoms, and I've developed a belief for my own value that I'd never had before. It doesn't matter if people don't like what I like, because I can't help what I like, and I shouldn't feel bad for having personal tastes. I am a person who loves and hates, and I no longer feel like I need to hide parts of my personality to fit in. What's best, is that I believe in the value of my own life.

It's a big thing to say, that I no longer want to die. It is a freeing notion, however, and curious. I really do feel happy, and I've developed ways of keeping my head above water so that I can try my best at not falling that low again.
It's even stranger that I look back and don't recognise the sad, horribly depressed girl who really had no will to carry on. I didn't feel like me, but now I do.
Before I was at my worst, I was a mixed bag of everything. When I was at my lowest, I felt like nothing at all. Now, my pursuit for happiness in its purest form has built me up into what I'd like to think is a decent person. I've never minded what happened to me in life, as long as it has made me happy, and more than ever I can say that and be proud.

I think the word that best describes how I'm feeling is peace.

It has been one hell of a journey, and one that will continue throughout my life, but I know that I couldn't have handled this rough few years without my mum, without my boyfriend, my friends that have come and gone (and the friends that have stayed), my fictional and real icons, and you guys!
Your endless support has always inspired me to do better for myself and for you, and I know I wouldn't have become the person I am today without the knowledge that you believe in me. I really appreciate all the help you've given me, and I can never return the favour.
(Special shoutout to God, for listening to me all those dark days.)

~Thank you :heart:


P.S. I've still got a list of commissions from years ago; I never forget. And I will finish the Sherlock story, promise! Most of the last chapter is already written.

If you would like to keep in touch, or just see what the Starchild is up to, follow me on Instagram ExuberantStarchild

:heart:


P.P.S. Doctor Who and Bill Potts are amazing and Supernatural is just WOW WHAT THE?!
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2016 was one hell of a year.

:bulletpink: My dog, Jimmy, collapsed and died (you can find his pictures in my gallery).
:bulletpink: My boyfriend collapsed, dislocating his shoulder. He keeps having seizures. (If you're reading this LittleStallion, please let me vent).
:bulletpink: I got dropped from therapy. As a result, my OCD is worse; I act like a zombie most of the time, in fear of compulsions.
:bulletpink: (This looks so whiny, it's all me me me me me; I will get to you amazing lot!) <3
:bulletpink: A positive thing: I was almost a year clean. :)
:bulletpink: Started college for the third time, but we have one teacher left out of six, meaning the fate of the course is hanging in the balance.
:bulletpink: Honestly, my mind is stuck back in 2013; everything is just phasing past me.

Right, it seems I'm getting sidetracked now, so I might as well stop with the bullet points.
(I'm not going to say any spoilers about Sherlock, but I will put a trigger warning out there for anyone who needs it).
I think everyone is feeling awful after 2016, the year of...well, I don't even know what that was. Everything felt like it was falling apart. Still does. Last year is leaking into this, but I don't even know what day it is at any given time.
I'm being faced with eviction from my own home. The landlord is charging me full rent, £90 a week, and if I don't get a job soon I don't know what I'll do.
I became actually, beautifully happy. It was a fluorescent thing to feel - it illuminated my soul. Then tons of bad things happened all at once, and suddenly I was put on suicide watch because I was always one mental breakdown away from death.
It sounds so selfish, the way I value - or don't value - my life. Honestly, day to day life is much happier, and much easier, than a long time ago. I have come a long way.
People are angry now, though, that I have depressed weeks. They shout at me. They roar. They're frustrated, because in those weeks it looks like I'm not trying. They're annoyed they can't do anything about it.
I haven't been writing much in the past year, not because I didn't want to, but my OCD tells me something bad will happen if I do. I have a lot of fanfictions stored anyway - over 400. I want to publish them all. It would be an uplifting thing.
I might as well mention my OCD tells me something bad will happen no matter what I do. My mind is a trap. I'm the fly in its deceptively harmless leaves.
I can't even remember most things, everything is so fuzzy. I'm trying so hard to have clarity, I really, wholeheartedly am. People get angry at me for silly reasons now. I don't know what I've done most of the time, and they don't tell me.

Summary: I'm better than I was, but not exuberant.

Every day I take a moment to come on deviantart, read the comments you leave me, and let your emotion warm my heart. It's thrilling, to know how I can affect someone in a (hopefully) good way. I love writing to please you. I love knowing that I could have made someone's day brighter. That sounds kind of selfish, but I do love helping you.

I'm sorry I don't reply much at all, but if this journal is anything to go by, you can see how words are so hard to come by these days. My mind is an empty cloud of fog, forecast for a long while. Sunshine is beautiful, and I take complete and utter joy out of my good days.

Without a therapist, I feel better and worse. Better, because she was awful. Worse, because my problems have inflated themselves to unnecessary highs. It's stupid, and I hate myself for being this way. If I learn to love myself, I get told why I shouldn't. It's a tender cycle, and one that gets continuously rapid as time goes on.

Look, I am legitimately sorry for making you read this. And I'm sorry for apologising. I need somewhere to help clear all the fog, and you always have the most pure souls out of anyone I know. You always keep me clear-headed. Your comments are invaluable to me, like tickets to happiness.
You are loved by someone, but I know that unless it's the someone you wish it to be, it isn't the same. I know my love doesn't mean much to some of you, but you have it, and I'm not taking it back.

I try and post fanfic regularly. My OCD stops me. You know if I post one, that I am having a good day. I really hope to post something soon.
Also, I've just gained access to all that fanfic I lost years ago when my tablet died. That is a very good thing.

Keep it real Starchildren, and don't over think things; it only leads to more pain.

Love ya <3

~ Eversley





<3
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A Little Update

2 min read
First off, I'd like to thank all the wonderful and amazing people who have supported me through so much, and who continue to do so. Without you, I know I wouldn't be where I am today.

Second, I'd like to apologise for my lack of updates and how I am failing to respond to people. An apology is pathetic, but most of the time I can barely even find the words to speak to people in person, let alone formulate coherent sentences to type out. It's something I'm working on.

Finally I'm feeling progress in some ways, and although I still have bad days (everybody does) I'm able to cope with them much better, as bad days are only as bad as I make them, and I know they get better.
My worst battle right now is trying to get a grip on any psychotic episodes I have, and trying to control the frequency of hallucinations. That, and I've finally build myself up enough to go back to college.
I'll be a training forensic scientist. I'm very scared; not because of the work, but the pressure of deadlines is something I've struggled with in the past.

I'm lacking of words a little here...I'm so sorry.
But just remember how much I love you guys, and that your support has helped me through so very many personal battles. I will have the words one day, but it's not that day yet.

Please take care of yourselves for me; you deserve to be happy!



:heart:
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Struggling

2 min read
*rant*

This year, a year meant for change, I hate it.
Already, I have been harrassed online and in person more than any other time in my life. When I'm down, people keep kick-kick-kicking me until I cry, insulting me, insulting what I like. My own fandoms are fighting, taking sides or tearing themselves apart.
There is no family where there was one. There is no safety network unless you're super popular. I'm fed up of deleting deviations, deleting everything about me because people don't like it.

I have watched someone read my suicide note whilst I'm still alive, and suffered a feeling far worse than death.

What's the point in pretending I'm alive when I died inside ages ago? The only person I stay strong for, more than often hates me. If I stay strong for myself, it's only too easy to make me break, believe I'm worthless. I know I'm not 'ugly sh*t' but it doesn't take much for me to believe it's true.
Maybe I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not auditioning to be in every f*cking Hollywood film these days, since everyone's a friggin' model.
You find me annoying? Tell my psychiatrist!
You think I've got problems? You should ask yourself why.

Look, you guys, there are a few of you on here who are the best people I could ever want to know. I'm blessed, truly. But you don't need to hear about all the things going on in my head; no-one does.
I'm angry at the world I once loved, angry at how sex is pushed into peoples faces and how untalented people get it all. It's a f*cking travesty! I never rant, ever, I'm a nice person dammit, I will put up with a lot of sh*t, but it's getting too much. I can't take it anymore.

I'll take Electra Heart's death any day.
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*Bowie song plays*

I'm on the straight for now, keep falling off a few times but I'm getting there.
I cut all my hair off, so it matches Black Widow. I feel empowered doing it though, it feels good.
I'm starting counselling soon. See, I'm getting there.

You're all so patient with me.
I'm so thankful, every day that you are.

I've changed so much as a person, but I'm still me. I still love the things I have loved, and I still have a heart full of caring.

My brain feels like a hurricane of emotion and thought, and though it feels mostly bad, I have good days, like today. I feel exhausted a lot, and sometimes it's a job getting out of bed (okay, all the time it is).

It's getting easier.


:heart:
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Featured

The Future Is Here by ExuberantStarchild, journal

Eversley's Bi-yearly Check-in by ExuberantStarchild, journal

A Little Update by ExuberantStarchild, journal

Struggling by ExuberantStarchild, journal

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes by ExuberantStarchild, journal